Finding My Way Back to the Hmong Culture

Slowly, but I think surely, I am finding my way back to the Hmong culture.

I have always been here, always in the background somewhere between the world of the Hmong and the American. Here. But yet somehow still lost in between both worlds.

And yes, I admit, the Hmong world has been pushed back further for many years as I tried to establish myself professionally in America. It wasn't that I abhored the Hmong culture. Not that. It was just that in my quest to be successful and to provide for my family financially, the Hmong in me got lost. Little by little, it chipped away. Some of it lost by conscious decisions I made, such as moving away to a city where there were no relatives at all in order to chase a career. Other aspects of my Hmong self were lost unintentionally--in times when, for example, the English language spilled out of my mouth before I could even remind myself to speak Hmong. Only later upon reflection would I see my mistake.

Through the years, I may have lost some of the substance of what it means to be Hmong, but I am still Hmong. I still identify myself as Hmong before American. And it is now when my life is somewhat settled down educationally and professionaly that I find myself trying to catch up on what has been happening in the Hmong community. Now I find myself wanting to edge my way back into the Hmong world.

I want to enjoy the Hmong New Year celebrations.

I want to go to the big July 4th tournament in Minnesota.

I want to speak more Hmong to my kids.

I want to visit Laos to see firsthand the country my parents came from.

Goals for 2012 and the next few years to come......

Polygamist Marriages in the Hmong Culture

Back in Laos, polygamy was more accepted and prevalent due to the desire for large families and a large clan. In America, it is often believed that the practice of it has become less common for obvious reasons, such as the clash with family values as defined by American culture and law. However, from what I've seen, I'd have to say that the concept of polygamy is still widely tolerated. It still continues to happen today, particularly among older Hmongs of my parents' generation (and some younger people as well).

I was recently talking to a female relative whose husband had been having affairs, and she feared he was going to marry a second wife. I asked if she would consider leaving him if he did, to which her reply was "no." It reminded me of another relative whose husband recently impregnated another woman and married her as the second wife. This relative of mine decided to stay with her husband also, rather than divorce him. And then I found myself thinking about yet another woman I know who willingly chose to be the second wife to an already married man. In all of these relationships and many other polygamist marriages that I know of, there are so many problems, and I don't think any of them (husband or wife) are really happy. It seems to me that there are always feelings of resentment and jealousy present on a day to day basis in those marriages. 

So why do they choose to be in that kind of marriage? I find the often cited examples for why women stay in polygamist marriages (for the kids, financial reasons, reputation, dependency, etc.) to be insufficient reasons. Yes, it's hard to be a single parent, a woman without a husband in the Hmong community, and so on and so forth. It's risky and initially scary, but it's the kind of hard life that still allows you potential opportunities to find happiness in yourself, your life, and/or your future partner. Can the same thing likely be said for a woman in a polygamist marriage in our time? Chances are not as good, from what I've seen of the polygamist lifestyle. All I'm saying is that the potential for happiness down the road exists much more for a woman who does not participate in a polygamist marriage versus one who does.

I also find the reasons why the men do this to be unjustified. And yes, it is part of our Hmong culture and has been for generations, but that is not a very good excuse, and some things deserve change.

If we are to strive for improvement as a group and to be seen as people with integrity by others, then we must first treat our own fellow Hmongs and our own personal self with genuine consideration.

Hmong Families and the "Boy Requirement"

My husband and I have three girls, no boys. Everywhere we go, so many Hmong people insist that we try again for a boy. But what if we don't want to? While it would've been nice to have at least one boy, we also realize we're quite content with our family the way it is. We've got three beautiful, healthy girls, and we don't necessarily feel the need to have more kids just for the sake of having a boy. To be honest, we really don't want another baby.

However, the pressure from Hmong people (especially older relatives) are constant. It's as if there is no choice here at all, as if it's a must. I feel pretty certain that, even if we have another baby and it turns out to be a boy, they're going to say, "Well, now that you've got one boy, you've got to try for another one. You don't want your boy to not have a brother, do you?" I have a feeling it doesn't stop.

Over the years, my husband and I have heard all of the reasons why we MUST have a boy (or two or three). We've heard the "boy requirement" lecture probably over a hundred times by now. It does bother me to hear constantly how our girls are not truly a part of our family, how they'll marry into another clan and not be our "real" family. Without boys, they say, we won't have anyone to live with or take care of us when we're old.

But the truth is that in this country, you go where your job is. Even if I had boys, they'll relocate to where ever they find a good job. And I would whole-heartedly encourage them to do so. I would never expect them to stay in a town just because that's where the clan is, or because that's where I am.

Furthermore, it seems to me that daughters take care of their parents just as much as or even more so than sons do. When I look at many Hmong families I know, it's the daughters who (even though they've married into another clan) care more for their parents. They tend to call more, physically care for sick parents more, run errands, remember their parents' birthdays, etc. Those are just my observations.

The other often cited reason for "needing" a boy is to have someone carry on the family name. But that's a bit superficial, in my opinion. Now if we were the Einsteins, I might reconsider. :o)

Right now, I feel that my family is complete. Of course, I can't predict the future, and I don't know how I'll feel 20 or 30 years from now. But right now, we're happy. We're looking forward to our kids getting older. We're looking forward to being able to travel with them and go on vacations, where we can all participate and do things together. It'd be nice to not have to spend more money on diapers and bottles and put that money towards a college fund for our kids instead. 

So my questions are: In this country, is there a need to have a large family? Is there a need for a boy?

General Vang Pao: Hmong Hero or Tyrant?

As you may know, General Vang Pao recently passed away, causing a lot of grief in Hmong communities all over the United States and I would imagine in other countries with Hmong residents as well. A lot of Hmong people certainly respected and loved GVP. Many viewed him as a father-figure and saw his death as a significant loss.

However, I've been hearing a lot of negative comments about GVP and stories about horrible things he did to others and to his own Hmong people. Some say that he never cared for the greater good of the Hmong community and that he was only out for self-success. They cite the Hmong people in Laos who are still there and living peacefully without being persecuted or killed. They comment on GVP's wealth as evidence that he was a corrupted leader. There are a lot of other things that I have seen brought up in various commentaries on GVP, but I won't mention them all.

If you want to read some of the negative things being said, here is one article that gives a searing report of GVP back in his CIA operation days: "My Memo of Vang Pao" by Fred Branfman

So...what to make of all of this? To be a top leader is an extremely tough job, and there has got to be plenty of temptations along the way. I doubt that GVP was a perfectly virtuous leader. Who really is? We're all guilty of greed, pride, and power to some extent. Just what was his extent?

As a kid, I remember my dad sending money every month in support of GVP and his causes. I overheard the grown-ups talking about promises that GVP would make and fulfill, if he got enough money from the Hmong people. I was just a kid, but I thought it was ridiculous. It seemed absurd to send hard-earned money away to some unproven cause. My dad would rise early every morning, drive an hour to a pig slaughter house to slave away, and then drive home at night, smelling like pig and with blood and grease splattered all over his hair and clothes. I'm sure his back was sore, his arms heavy with the lifting of hundreds of pounds of pig carcasses. He hardly earned enough to support our family of eleven. Why was he sending money away? After years of doing that, what was the end result? Where did all that money go? I have no idea, and I don't think my dad did either. He eventually stopped sending his hard-earned money away.

When I think about everything that I'm reading about GVP (the good and the bad) and the memories I have of how the Hmong elders spoke of him and supported him, I guess what I'm left with is a bit of confusion. Who was he? I'm not talking about biographical or hard facts. I'm talking about who he was in his heart. I guess none of us, except perhaps his closest confidante, really knows.

I am, however, grateful that I am here in the United States. And that's due to GVP. So for that, I thank him.

Being Hmong-American is complicated

Part of the fundamental core of who I am is that I'm both Hmong and American. I was born to Hmong parents, raised in the Hmong culture, and I'm expected to abide by Hmong traditions. However, I was born in the United States and have also been immersed in the American culture all my life. I've been schooled in the American K-12 system all the way through to graduate school, and now as an educator, I work alongside mostly white American colleagues.

As you may already know, the Hmong and American cultures are different in many ways. For me, it's a bit like living one way during the day while at work or school, and then going home to live in another completely different manner--from language, mannerisms, food, etc. This was very true for me as a kid growing up, as my parents were somewhat traditional. Now that I'm an adult and in my own home, the difference is not as drastic.

All my life, though, I've been trying to figure out what it means to be Hmong-American. I've been trying to make sense of both worlds to find some middle ground, but there are clashes. Not ALL the time, but from time to time, yes, there are issues.  

I think of it in terms of this fairly common metaphor for life. Both worlds (Hmong and American) have threads that constantly weave in and out of my life. They intertwine together but not always well...I haven't found a way to weave them together seamlessly.

It's complicated to live in between both worlds, and I don't think I'm the only one. What have your experiences been like, and how would you describe it?