Are kids obligated to take care of their aging parents?

Traditionally in the Hmong culture, the youngest son (or other sons in the family) is expected to take care of the aging parents. Is this still the case today? And will it change now that we're slowly assimilating to the American culture?

I think it's accurate to say that many of the currently aging Hmong population in America do expect their children to care for them. The children who send their parents to a nursing home, for example, are often looked down upon and the perception is that those children obviously do not love their parents.

But here's the question I'm interested in exploring. What about you personally? When you get older, do you expect your kids to take care of you? And why or why not? I'm interested in seeing how this cultural tradition will be affected by our generation of Hmong-Americans.

For me, I don't feel my kids are obligated to take care of me when I'm older. I gave birth to them, and I'm raising them up to the best of my ability because of a desire to have children and create a family. My job as a parent is to love them, and in return, I want my kids not to pay it back to me but to pay it forward to their kids and to society at large. My kids don't owe me anything back. If they choose to do so, then that is their choice. If not, I think I'd much rather go to a good nursing home.

So what are your thoughts on this?

Polygamist Marriages in the Hmong Culture

Back in Laos, polygamy was more accepted and prevalent due to the desire for large families and a large clan. In America, it is often believed that the practice of it has become less common for obvious reasons, such as the clash with family values as defined by American culture and law. However, from what I've seen, I'd have to say that the concept of polygamy is still widely tolerated. It still continues to happen today, particularly among older Hmongs of my parents' generation (and some younger people as well).

I was recently talking to a female relative whose husband had been having affairs, and she feared he was going to marry a second wife. I asked if she would consider leaving him if he did, to which her reply was "no." It reminded me of another relative whose husband recently impregnated another woman and married her as the second wife. This relative of mine decided to stay with her husband also, rather than divorce him. And then I found myself thinking about yet another woman I know who willingly chose to be the second wife to an already married man. In all of these relationships and many other polygamist marriages that I know of, there are so many problems, and I don't think any of them (husband or wife) are really happy. It seems to me that there are always feelings of resentment and jealousy present on a day to day basis in those marriages. 

So why do they choose to be in that kind of marriage? I find the often cited examples for why women stay in polygamist marriages (for the kids, financial reasons, reputation, dependency, etc.) to be insufficient reasons. Yes, it's hard to be a single parent, a woman without a husband in the Hmong community, and so on and so forth. It's risky and initially scary, but it's the kind of hard life that still allows you potential opportunities to find happiness in yourself, your life, and/or your future partner. Can the same thing likely be said for a woman in a polygamist marriage in our time? Chances are not as good, from what I've seen of the polygamist lifestyle. All I'm saying is that the potential for happiness down the road exists much more for a woman who does not participate in a polygamist marriage versus one who does.

I also find the reasons why the men do this to be unjustified. And yes, it is part of our Hmong culture and has been for generations, but that is not a very good excuse, and some things deserve change.

If we are to strive for improvement as a group and to be seen as people with integrity by others, then we must first treat our own fellow Hmongs and our own personal self with genuine consideration.

Hmong Families and the "Boy Requirement"

My husband and I have three girls, no boys. Everywhere we go, so many Hmong people insist that we try again for a boy. But what if we don't want to? While it would've been nice to have at least one boy, we also realize we're quite content with our family the way it is. We've got three beautiful, healthy girls, and we don't necessarily feel the need to have more kids just for the sake of having a boy. To be honest, we really don't want another baby.

However, the pressure from Hmong people (especially older relatives) are constant. It's as if there is no choice here at all, as if it's a must. I feel pretty certain that, even if we have another baby and it turns out to be a boy, they're going to say, "Well, now that you've got one boy, you've got to try for another one. You don't want your boy to not have a brother, do you?" I have a feeling it doesn't stop.

Over the years, my husband and I have heard all of the reasons why we MUST have a boy (or two or three). We've heard the "boy requirement" lecture probably over a hundred times by now. It does bother me to hear constantly how our girls are not truly a part of our family, how they'll marry into another clan and not be our "real" family. Without boys, they say, we won't have anyone to live with or take care of us when we're old.

But the truth is that in this country, you go where your job is. Even if I had boys, they'll relocate to where ever they find a good job. And I would whole-heartedly encourage them to do so. I would never expect them to stay in a town just because that's where the clan is, or because that's where I am.

Furthermore, it seems to me that daughters take care of their parents just as much as or even more so than sons do. When I look at many Hmong families I know, it's the daughters who (even though they've married into another clan) care more for their parents. They tend to call more, physically care for sick parents more, run errands, remember their parents' birthdays, etc. Those are just my observations.

The other often cited reason for "needing" a boy is to have someone carry on the family name. But that's a bit superficial, in my opinion. Now if we were the Einsteins, I might reconsider. :o)

Right now, I feel that my family is complete. Of course, I can't predict the future, and I don't know how I'll feel 20 or 30 years from now. But right now, we're happy. We're looking forward to our kids getting older. We're looking forward to being able to travel with them and go on vacations, where we can all participate and do things together. It'd be nice to not have to spend more money on diapers and bottles and put that money towards a college fund for our kids instead. 

So my questions are: In this country, is there a need to have a large family? Is there a need for a boy?